I wrote this song on the guitar to a soft wandering minor melody. I like the way it sounds as a song, but I'm not sure if it's any good as a lyric by itself. Any help?
Lying in my bed
With monsters in my head
Ravaging my mind.
But why... but why?
The stars up in the sky
Turn to demon's eyes.
I clutch my covers tight
And cry... and cry.
Chorus: Each moment that passes takes me further from sleep.
Why am I afraid of what I know could not be?
But I know its gonna be alright,
The morning always follows the night.
Alone without the light
The shadows come to life.
My reflected ghost
In the mirror... the mirror
A million little sounds
Echo all around
Like footsteps in the hall
Coming nearer... and nearer.
Chorus: Each moment that passes takes me further from sleep.
Why am I afraid of what I know could not be?
But I know its gonna be alright,
The morning always follows the night.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
great song but i agree with the other guy u shud put in more lyrics
I don't really know what the tune that you intended for it sounds like.So I can't really judge whether it would make a good song.However, it works well as a poem.
Hey, I know what you mean about the word "ravaging". After I thought about it for a bit, I realized that it's not even really what I want to say. Ravaging is definitely the wrong word. I was thinking about changing the line to "Whispering in my mind" which better describes the feeling. What do you think?
As far as writing more verses go, if I think of anything I'll add it on, but it's a pretty slow song, and I don't want to make anyone bored. Thanks everybody!
-El Hidalgo Don Quixote de la Mancha
I agree with jearjioe. It needs more - each verse is so short. I got to the end and I was going, "What a rip off!"
I've read stuff like this before, so it's nothing really new in terms of poetry, but it's not just lyrics that make a song.
I'm not a fan of the word ravaging. It's overused, and I think you've misused it. I don't think that monsters would ravage someone's mind. Perhaps "preying on" because you're talking about said monsters? I don't have a good suggestion. Go fetch your thesaurus.
The reader or listener will know that your ghost is being reflected if you're talking about a mirror, so feel free to take out the "reflected". It's just an awkward phrase anyway.
I love the why-cry and the mirror-nearer rhymey connection bit. I can really hear that being stressed in a song.
Happy writing/singing/guitar-plucking,
Colleen
lol serenityinthesky i love your quote
=) I think you put them together nicely, saying that when i don't quite like the song, but thats my opinion.
Congradulations =)
keep writing and =) happy reading (=
Well the whole point of your lyrics are for them to sound good as a song. In that respect, I think you've done a very fine job. I can really hear a soft guitar melody and a few harmony parts underlying this piece.
If i were you, I wouldn't really change a thing.
Maybe a few more verses would be nice or repeating the chorus a few more times, just to add length.
I think what you need is simply more lyrics. Add another verse and then an endtro. Other than that Iy's good.